How do you chose a partner?

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Few questions play on people’s minds and popular media as much as this: How do I find the right partner?

Many of us hope that if we know what makes a good partner we can spot a good deal. We research online. We quiz our mates about their relationships. We compare (and often despair). Others wing it and just go with their gut.

In this post I am going to discuss the issue from the point of view of psychoanalysis and attachment theory. To know how to find the right partner you need to know something about how people really choose their partners. I will try to help you start asking what I hope are the questions that matter.

(You may also want to check my new post Top 5 Relationship Killers to scan for some signs that you may need to have a talk with your partner [click here]).

The reason that finding the right partner is often so difficult is this: like many choices in our lives, picking a mate is partly based on unconscious decision making. The idea that we do not not fully know ourselves, that we make decisions for reasons we cannot explain, is very hard to accept for many people. However, strings of unsuccessful relationships bring people to my counselling and relationship counselling practice. In very distraught states, they wonder why they can’t find the right partner and worse they believe they never will. There is a point at which this cannot be ignored. This should be our starting point. We don’t know everything about ourselves.

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Top 5 Relationship Killers

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A lot of people wonder what they need to do to make their relationship last. There are certain things that can warn you need to sit sown with your partner and talk things through. In my relationship and marriage counselling practice I see couples who have waited a long time before addressing their problems and repairing the relationship gets harder as time passes. Still, it is never too late and I have seen couples manage to overcome significant blocks too. What is important is that you shine a spotlight on you relationship and especially on your own behaviour. This is the one thing you really have control over. So without further ado here are my top 5 relationship killers.