Childhood emotional neglect
Childhood emotional neglect occurs when a child’s emotional needs are repeatedly unnoticed, misunderstood or unmet—even when there is no obvious abuse or single traumatic event.
Signs of emotional neglect in adults
You may see yourself as “different” or think “there’s something wrong with me”.
You may feel alone even when you are in the company of others.
You may feel as if there is a void or emptiness inside, or you may feel hollow.
You may find it hard to make decisions, even for things that appear minor.
You may feel numb or cut off from your feelings.
You may find it hard to name your feelings.
You may look everywhere for “fixes”; retail therapy, or an obsessive commitment to hobbies and work.
You may act as if you have to prove yourself every time you see your friends or loved ones.
You have a sense that you do not know yourself.
What causes childhood emotional neglect?
For babies to become themselves, they require mirroring and validation of their experiences so that they can be registered as joy, sadness, anger etc. This means that our caregivers need to have the capacity to receive, tolerate, and show us what it is we are showing them.
Emotional neglect can arise when caregivers struggle to notice or respond to a child’s emotional needs. Their own difficulties, stress or lack of support may affect what they can offer. Being a single parent does not, in itself, mean that a child is emotionally neglected.
The result is that we may, from early on, create gaps, voids, or emptinesses in our lived experience.
Emotional neglect leaves a gap in our self-knowledge
If our caregivers were not able to “see” what we needed, it will be very hard for us as adults to see what we need.
We may often feel invisible or believe that others see us as unimportant or forgettable.
In the most painful cases we may feel as if we do not, or should not, exist.
How does therapy help with childhood emotional neglect?
I am Dr Nikos Tsigaras, a Counselling Psychologist based in Kensington, London. I work with adults whose emotional needs were overlooked in childhood and who now experience anxiety, self-criticism, emotional disconnection or recurring relationship difficulties.
First and foremost, you have access to a safe space, away from distractions, where the focus is on you.
One of the things that a good therapist does is to function like a mirror. They will show back to you what they see during your session together and this provides you with an opportunity to see yourself through someone else’s eyes.
We can explore whether feelings such as sadness, anger or longing become difficult to recognise or express. Noticing these together may help you understand your anxiety and feel more connected to yourself.
You will learn to set healthy boundaries and say no in an empathic way.
If you know what you feel, you know what you need.
If you know what you need, you can be more confident, assertive, and make better decisions.
As you learn to connect with your therapist in anger, sadness, and joy, you can begin to overcome the sense of isolation and risk connections with others in your life.
Photography by Amanda Dalbjörn, Vasily Koloda, Ben White, & Toa Heftiba.
Benefits of therapy
Increased self awareness
- Discover your unique relationship models
- Identify otherwise invisible patterns of thinking and feeling that lead to unhelpful behaviours
- Explore your values and make decisions
Use your emotions
- Turn your emotions into information
- Identify your needs
- Become the truest version of yourself
Improve your relationships
- Connect
- Communicate
- Share
- Become more assertive
- Become more collaborative
Reduce suffering
- Reduce self-criticism
- Reduce doubt
- Reduce worry and rumination
- Reduce a sense of meaninglessness
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